My Book

Why are we not allowed to go to Hogsmeade? It's bloody unfair. I think we should go anyway.

My Book Report
by Miss Livia Wallace

I read a book called Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang which is all about Muggle motorcars. Motorcar is the Muggle word for carriage. It is a Muggle book but it I think it is not about Muggles and this is why.

Muggle books are stupid. The pictures do not move and the books do not read themselves or tell you what the hard words mean. If Muggles wish to learn what the hard words mean they use whole other books filled with words that mean other words and that is quite confusing indeed. One looks for a word and if one cannot spell it correctly to begin with one cannot find the word one wants. And then even when one finds the word one is looking for, the part that is supposed to tell what the word means is all full of other hard words so one must go looking for those words as well and very soon one is completely lost. It is quite annoying but I kept at it because if a stupid Muggle can do it so can I. Often I was able to suss out what the words meant on my own. Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang is a 12-cylinder 8-liter Muggle motorcar, which means it has 12 cylinders and cylinders are things like potions vials which is where the magic is kept, and eight liters and liters are things which make things light which is what made the motorcar fly. And I sussed that all out myself and did not need the stupid Muggle book of words for other words.

It is a Muggle book but it cannot be about Muggles. I think that many of the people in it are squibs. The name of the gentleman who had the car is Caractacus Pott. Caractacus is not a Muggle name it is a Wizarding name. And Pott is very much like the name of that loud boy with glasses who is friends with Bella's awful cousin. They must be related. And there are two children named Jeremy and Jemima which are also Wizarding names. And I know of no Muggle motorcars that fly. Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang flies and rides upon the water like a boat and is a very clever motorcar. I do not think a Muggle could have a motorcar such as that even if motorcars are mostly Muggle things.

Besides the motorcars this book is also about sweets. There are whistling sweets like those sold at Honeydukes where I have never been because I am not allowed because I am not third year which is stupid because Hogsmeade is nothing compared to Knockturn Alley and if I have not been knocked on the head in all my life in the Alley I dare anyone to give me trouble in Hogsmeade. If they do I will give them a good kick between the legs and knock them on the head with a brick and then hex them besides as I can do quite well now because Severus and Evan have taught me so.

In the back of the book it says how to make Muggle fudge. There is a whole list of things one needs to make Muggle fudge and then it tells how to make the fudge and that is called a receipt. It is like a Potions lesson. It sounds like a great deal of trouble to go to for fudge when one can simply buy it at Honeyduke or ask a house elf. Droma says I can show the house elf the receipt and it will make me fudge if I wish. That would be nice.

I think that a book that talks about motorcars and tells one how to make fudge is a good book. But Muggle books are too much trouble even if they are not about Muggles so I believe in the future I will read Wizarding books thank you very much. The End.

What does the word "radar" mean? ( Is it a spell? )

I think that if Gryffindors must be so noisy all the time then they should be made to eat in another room. Do they think everyone in Hall cares to know every bit of their business?

And today at dinner that dark boy who looks like Bella stuffed peas up his nose and snorted them at all his friends. And they laughed, even when they landed in the soup.

I hate peas.

I did not know there were so many stars in all of the sky. And the world floats among them like bubbles in a bath. It is wondrous.

I like it here. I do not wish to go. There is more food here than I ever could eat and more books than I ever could read and no one makes me work save for lessons which are not real work at all. I like it when the professors call me Miss Wallace. I like our lovely dungeons. I like to make a feather float and put the cat's feet on backwards. I like to ride a broomstick.

I do not like Bella or sharing a room with her. I do not like that prefects may use the cane. But there are always horrid people and grownups who hit you and worse things besides. I have been beaten and cold and hungry and I think I would rather be beaten and warm and full with apples and sweets in my pockets and a lovely cozy bed at night.

I do not know many hexes but this is something I know quite well I reckon.

Hexing Is Wrong
by Miss Livia Wallace

Hexes are bad. It is bad to put a cat’s feet on backwards even if in lessons we must learn to make a mouse be a snuffbox. I see no difference in the two save the professor says do this and so we must and then do not do that and so we must not. When a mouse is a snuffbox it cannot run and squeak and eat and even if a cat has its feet on backwards it still may do all that so I think making a mouse be a snuffbox is worse but that is not a hex because the professor says it is not and so it is not.

( Invisible Ink Warded to Severus and Evan Only )

Hexing someone is bad even if she deserves it and is a spoiled little crybaby. It is bad to hex for if someone were to hex me I should not like it and so I must not do to another which I would not wish done to me. Which I do not understand for I would not wish to be a snuffbox and still that is what the mouse must be. One sees a mouse and says you must be a snuffbox will you nill you so I do not see that what one should not like to be done has to do with it for all I have learned so far says the thing must be as I would have it or it will not change at all.

Hexes are bad and so I shall not hex anymore. I shall make things into snuffboxes instead.

Learning hexes makes it much easier to do my school lessons, I find. I was practicing with my matchstick and it was very vexing that it would not become a needle and I thought o this is stupid what a stupid matchstick I could just hex it! So then I thought why not hex it into a needle so I thought you stupid matchstick you should be a needle you will be a needle and there it was a needle easy peasy. I dug some splinters of wood from the underside of one of the big tables in the common room and turned them all into needles, some better than others but all quite needly, all in a row.

And I thought, hum why is this? I thought for a while and I think I have it sussed and I think I should write it down because I think it is important in case I forget. It is very difficult to write down in words though.

When I hexed Bella's stupid cat I did not fret about o what about the feet bits and how they fit together. I thought you stupid cat, you should have your feet on backwards and so you will and so it did. Severus is very clever and he is right -- it isn't about the bits, it's about what one wants and seeing what one wants and making the thing into what one wants. I look at a cat and say I don't care what you look like, I see you with your feet on backwards and so you must have your feet on backwards, will you nill you. And so there it is. I look at a match and think, you may think you are a match but I see you as a needle and what I want is more important than what you are. And there it is, a needle.

What I want is more important than what you are. There, that is how to say it. If I want a person to come all over boils I do not care what they want or how they look. They can go bugger themselves, for I know how I will have them look or what I will have them do, and I make it happen. This makes me think of many brilliant things I may do in the future, as when I learn more I shall be able to make anyone do anything I please. I shall look at Bella Black and say, you must be a squealing little piglet and there she will be a piglet, and I will cut her throat and gut her and stick her on a spit and feed her to her sisters. I think that will be a fine thing.

What I want is more important than what you are. How very lovely a thought that is.

How can History of Magic be so bloody tedious! I have learned more about Goblin Rebellions from Madam Gadlen at the Mastiff's Head than ever I could here!

Herbology should be fun though. I look forward to it.

Bella's stupid cat peed in my bed so now its feet are on backwards. Verminous beast.

I am in Slytherin House. I think this is a splendid thing for many of the greatest Wizards and Witches have come from Slytherin House and so it is the best possible House. It is not a House the same way Madam Madb’s is a House for which I am thankful.

Severus and Evan are also in Slytherin. I have noted that we each of us have a V inside our names. Sev and Ev and Liv. I am not so thick to believe in Omens but I like this as I believe we shall be great friends.

I also like where we live. We live in the dungeons down where the sun never comes which is comforting as it reminds me of the Alley. Our common sitting room is very posh which is why I was vexed to learn that I must share a bedroom with other girls like some kind of wretched pauper! We must even share the toilet room and the bathing room which is utterly revolting! The toilets have doors but the tubs just sit out in the open. Where I come from it costs a tidy handful of Galleons to see a girl in the bath and even more to see her make water which I don’t understand why anyone would but some men do without a blink and hand over piles of gold for other things even more disgusting that I shan’t mention for it would be improper for a young Lady as I am to be.

Bella Black is not a proper young Lady by any means. I was hoping to get on with her as we must sleep in the same room but she told me she didn’t want to see my ugly face so I told her I didn’t want to hear her ugly mouth and she pulled my hair and I spat at her and then we heard someone coming so we ran for our beds as prefects here are allowed to use the cane. Still and all she is quite lively and I hope she leaves off being hateful as it would be fun to have a lively friend such as she.

I am glad I have lovely new linens and nightclothes for if I must share a room with other girls I must be as fine as they. When Bella saw my silk stockings and the lace on my nightdress she made a scowl that told me she was jealous indeed which made me very happy.

They fed us very well at the Welcoming Feast last night but that cannot happen every day can it? I put apples and cheese and biscuits in my pockets just in case and I saw Severus doing the same so he must know something. Now the biscuits have gone crumbly all over the cheese but I have wrapped it all in tissue paper and put it in my trunk for safe keeping and now I must go up for breakfast so I shall see how well they feed us when it is not a feast.

Everyone on this train can go bugger themselves for all I care. I know those girls are whispering about me, I heard them! I do not care a fig. I think they are sisters, or some of them are. The eldest is quite beautiful, she looks as if her feet have never touched the ground. I do not care about her. I am sure if you dropped her in the Alley at midnight she'd cry for her mum and be ghoul food by dawn.

There is one very ugly boy here who I think I shall be friends with. He is friends with the little toff but I do not mind that for it's good to be friends with toffs when you can. Madam Madb always says it's not what you know but who you know my girl so I shall make friends with the right sort and noone will ever whisper about me again and if they do I shall thump them soundly. Or hex them. The ugly boy says he knows many hexes and I do not think he is lying. He does not mind my face which is a telling thing. And he does not pity me or want things from me which is more telling still. I wonder what I can trade with him to learn hexes, and if I shall swat the little toff before the train stops. It was quite pleasant to see his eyes go big as a house elf's when I told him I was from London, but now it starts to become trying.

When I got the Letter Madam Madb did not want to let me go but I don’t give a fig for her. I am not one of her girls and anything she has paid out for my board I have worked off and then some. She’s a bloody tartar but I would rather work my hands and feet to the bone than work on my back that’s for sure. The Letter come with a list of books and things as must be bought and Madam Madb says ha ha my girl Hogwarts in’t for the likes of you it’s them as has as always gets but she can go hang for I am clever as anyone and more than most I think. I have seen toffs with gold and schooling both and they all act like gits with their trousers down round their ankles.

Dar at the Mastiff’s Head says Liv where will you get the money? I say don’t you worry laddy buck there’s plenty a toff as wants to see if these scars go all way down and when his trousers are down round his ankles I’ll knock him on the head and take his gold, so help me I will.

But then another Owl come with a letter which is strange enough, fancy two Owls just for me, and it says I have a Benefactor wishing to remain unknown who has put a fund in Trust for me just in the case I should get a Hogwarts Letter like I have. The letter come with a key, a real key to a vault at Gringotts up on Diagon and I hid it so’s my mum don’t find it nor Madam Madb neither.

I did ask my mum, did she have an Admirer once who named me for his? She got all weepy and fluttery and useless as ever. But the other girls in the house were all happy and talking how I would be a fine Lady and a great Witch and they cut down some old frocks for me, beautiful in green and gold and blue, but Suky said I should get new linens as nothing is more telling of a lady or a girl as fine linens and so I did.

Some of the things to buy I could get here in the Alley. I see no reason to go up Diagon that they call an Alley but is really a wide bright street in the sun. There is no call to spend good gold on new books when second hand reads just as well. No sense in spending galleons on herbs and potions kits when sickles buy the same, just perhaps a bit dodgy is all. No call to go let Ollivander look down his nose and say off with ye alley rats as he does when me and Dar and Kai run up Diagon and push our noses against the shop glass. Old Wrackwode here in the Alley has known me from a baby and does wands up fine and I have my very own now, of ash pale as the underside of my arm with a harpy wing tendon in the core. It is all mine of my very own and no one owned it before.

I had to go to Diagon for some of the things to buy. I had to go to Malkin’s who makes the Hogwarts robes and I bought linens there as well, some with lace, and shoes soft as butter. Malkin saw my face and said oh my poor girl but I did not kick her as I am to be a Powerful Witch who does not do such things. I did look forlorn and let her give me a ribbon for my hair.

And this book is mine, the most mine of all things, charmed just for me alone. All the toff kids in the street and in the shops, whinging buy me buy me and grown-ups with them, suckers all, spending galleons like knuts. They all bought these books for taking to school and I thought, why should I not have one as well? I am to be as fine as they. So I did buy one and a green quill that has a Charm to help my spelling when I write.

I always knew I shall do wonders with my life. Now I am to go to Hogwarts and become a Powerful Witch and when I am done I will come back and kick Madam Madb’s arse into the road. I will have the finest House in the alley and the toffs will come and say O Madam Livia let me be your Admirer and I shall laugh and say not likely, you will have one of my girls and pay up the nose for it as well my fine fellow. And if my girls get shirty I shall hex them. And I shall have a new frock for each day of the week made just for me, and four house elves, and eat clotted cream every day.

I shall do all these things so say I Miss Livia Wallace in this my own Book.